one day this chalk outline will circle this city

"My beats is sick like malaria, but don't worry i'll take care of ya"

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 04:29:34 GMT

i'm updating for the first time in two months in a case of i just realized i'm old.
thats right kids i said it i feel old, for the first time. i mean i know i have been getting older and i have been doing "adult" things, ie. grocery shopping, laundry, work, school, budgeting etc. and then it hit me thats not so bad. but then tonight standing in line at the taking back sunday concert at rocketown i realized i was one of the oldest people there. the make up of the crowd was more of my sisters age then my own. and it dawned on me, was i not noticing b/c i had always gone with a group of people my own age? or was it just i was old. neeners says its mtv fucking everything up b/c the crowds get younger and younger the more you see bands we like on mtv. she says they ruin stuff and its ligit now. i didn't even get too excited when the band pulled up in the car at the entrance right where i was standing in line, adam and fred walked right in front of me and i was just so chill, has nashville phased me? i mean gosh where is the 14 year old girl in me?!!? i just got home from a concert and i should crash, or so thats what i would do if i were in high school b/c i have school tomorrow but no. i'm writing about my outrageous feelings of being old and getting ready to cram majorly for my business law test tomorrow at 8am. thats it i'm gonna hafta accept it, i may have teen still stuck to my number but in no way shape or form do i resemble someone younger that just started with the "teens". i use ear protection for goodness sake. i know! how sad?, i was an avid supporter of "if its too loud you are too old" but honestly people random ringing in my ears, knowing i wanna do this as a career is not good. use earplugs.

"i walk right up to you & you walk all over me. i ask you what you want & you tell me what you need"

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 03:08:42 GMT

accident prone?

ok anyone who knows me knows i'm super likely to get hurt at any given moment i'm with them. or alone for that matter. lately i've been wondering about all these "accidents". since i've moved in i've had countless bruises and cuts and over the summer i had plenty of burns as well, which are all kind of to be expected...but i know people that live the same type of lives as i do and they seem to walk away unscaved. why is it that i seem to be harmed perfoming everyday activities? is it my lack of awareness for my surroundings or my non-chalant attitude? i have the mentality that what happens is going to happen and thats the way it is. i'm not going to discuss whether or not i believe in fate and such (well not tonight at least).
one thought however really pushed my buttons, what is happening when these "accidents" occur? am i not paying attention to the big picture? are these signs of warnings or awareness or just plain clumsiness? in a way i believe small incidents are the universe's way of saying "watch out" and be more careful. i've never thought twice about grabbing something sharp, hot or about walking into things. should i be paying more attention? what if i continue to go through life ignoring the warning signs? what if this is all part of a plan to make me more keen on my daily actions so i can prevent something in the future or what if they are just a distraction, keeping my mind off something else, like some other source of harm? just some thoughts...

"have you ever tasted skin...sink you teeth in it"

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 05:46:18 GMT

the confusion of crying

why is it that some people cry when others don't seem to cry at all? there are those that cry in public and those that cry in solitude. pain may be weakness leaving the body, but i think that crying is a weakness leaving the soul. crying is such a confusing emotion. there are gender related questions, like, why is it that its ok for girls to cry but its not ok for boys to cry? or physical questions, like, what is so emotionally draining about tears?
when i was a little kid and i would throw tantrums and my grandma would tell me to cry as loud as i possibly could, the emotions and effort spent on crying exhausts a person. why is it that after a really intense full body release of emotion you sleep like a baby? how is it that when you see someone you believe to be strong cry it breaks your heart? i think crying is a good therapy, its never good to hold in emotion. as a kid i'd cry in front of anything, most kids do, but why is it that when we are older most people shed their tears in private?
not only is crying theraputic, its also intimate. you don't often cry in front of strangers. i known for a while i've only cried to people i've felt close to, when you cry you are completely vulnerable to the world. if someone is filled with that much physical emotion and cries towards or about you i think you should feel honored in a way. that person expended an energy not often given up to express how they feel. sometimes i wish some people knew i cried for them at times b/c it might display their importance to me in a way they never knew.
after a certain age you will only cry on certain shoulders and about certain situations. how is it that tears fall for death and life? joy and sadness can be represented by the same emotion. tears are a weird display of emotion, they represent a lot. don't underestimate your feelings the next time you cry.

"Let go. just get in. Oh, its so amazing here. Its all right. Cause theres beauty in the breakdown"

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 04:34:50 GMT

do what makes you happy.

i went to the city today and i realized why i love it so much. he city doesn't criticize you. it was built as the greatest strongest most individual place on earth. you do what you want when you want to do it. there is no fear of acting foolish or being ostricized, everyone has a place in new york city. every other city i have ever been to falls into a categorism of some type.
for instance, this ukranian man in this diner in the east village asked me why i didn't finish what was on my plate for lunch and i told him i was full. he said that i must not have liked it b/c i hadn't finished. i disagreed told him it was good and proceeded to explain that i don't eat unless i'm hungry (a concept so many people don't understand about me). he looked at me and looked at rufa, he realized stephanie hadn't finished either and i said we like to go out and eat b/c we never criticize each other for what is left or not left on our plates. he thought that was a fair answer and i respected him for listening to my spat. a complete stranger wasn't taken aback by my opinion or the fact that i even had the courage to say something back to him. at that moment i also realized that not only did i have the privilege in sitting in a restaurant giving my opinion and having it heard, but i had someone sitting across the table feel the same way i did. its days like today that make me miss being in ny.
nyc streets give you freedom like no other place on earth, you can give and get whatever your heart desires and its unfortunate that some people dont' understand that, and well...that blows for them.

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 07:10:41 GMT

damn the man. and for the record, i can do anything better than you.

"Things they are changing such a permanent way, life seems unreal, can we go back to your place?"

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 03:53:18 GMT

why does the easter bunny keep running in front of my car? the past couple of nights i keep almost hitting rabbits, what is up with that? i think maybe this bunny is suicidal but i don't want it to be because rabbits are so adorable. and it breaks my heart knowing that if i can almost hit him anyone can. i know i have a weird obession with identifying all roadkill on the road but i am so disturbed when its rabbits and dogs...all other animals i can deal with. (i know that is very strange) anyway i had to vent about my bunny story its just too strange.
oh yea and watch out for the seaford oyster bay there is no one on it at night and its fucking cool. other than that my day was pretty cool. i enjoyed it. i love chillin' out going to ghetto libraries and talking about sex and the city and non-existant boyfriends. it makes for great conversation....moving on school friends you kick ass b/c i've heard from almost all of you!, lets keep that going...but as of now i am going to bed b/c nothing sucks more than working a friday sandwiched between a thursday and a saturday you aren't working...hey, dfp on saturday, fuckin' A baby, fuckin' A, thats what i hafta say. (hey that rhymed). goodnight my little cheese nips!

"hello when i'm crashing, feeling nothing when my life is flashing before my eyes"

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 03:03:29 GMT

i figured it was about that time children...to update my journal...and what do i have to say? nothing. my life is work and sleep i haven't even done anything exciting.
i guess you could say i'm living the high/crash and burn lifestyle. i get superhyper and caffienated and then i do everything. then i crash from the high and all i wanna do is sleep, there has to be a better way to get through this summer. i can't be living from one espresso to another. i'm trying my usual therapies but working at starbucks has taken away my nail painting therapy and my trying to pay my debts had taken away my shopping therapy. i work in a deli so i never hafta go out for a sit down lunch and i am barely ever home at the dinner hour for that type of relaxing, so i was wondering what do i have left? i can't sleep the summer away. so i've rekindled my love for the ocean, its where i'll spend my free time.
but on days i can't make it to the shore i work on my art. tonight i was painting and i thought what if i went to art school, i mean i got accepted, why didn't i go? tons of kids kill to be accepted to art school and i just kinda brushed it off. i guess you could say there may not be that much of opportunties professionwise with art. the term "starving artist" comes to mind right now. but with each stroke i thought to myself you know why jen, remember high school when your major (if it could've been defined) was art? it fun until it got critical, as long as no one watched your every move you could have fun. when things get serious, especially art the pressure makes it not fun. i mean think about it, art school is pressure to perform, its pressure to create a work of art that both you like and your professors like not to mention it has to follow tons of art criteria that make no sense to the average joe. i don't wanna hafta create something because someone wants me to, i wanna create because i want to.

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 06:18:54 GMT

la vita è caos

l'arte è amore

"i backed up into a cop car the other day..."

Sun, 23 May 2004 04:57:50 GMT

i sit here on my bed as my eyes burn from the brightness of the screen looking off into a room pitch black. the computer's heat burns my thighs and i think too many thoughts at once. who? what? when? where? why? and how? i question everything. i am more curious than i have ever been and lets face it curiousity killed the cat. a great movie uses the line, "whats with today today?" and i find myself wondering about that all the time. as of right now with all the confusion and tiredness and stress i remind myself that it'll all work out. granted murphy and his stupid fucking law follows me around all the time i'll make it through. hey i'm tough as nails, or so i've been told. but there lies the problem, no one wants to get close with nails, they are cold and sharp. it may seem morbid, but bare the pain and bleed a little for me. i promise i'll make it worth you're while.

"insecurities are about as useful as trying to put the pin back in the grenade...i want you bad"

Fri, 21 May 2004 01:52:47 GMT

i wish i was from another country b/c then i could say things like "oh thats just my mate, we share a flat" or "oh i'll be off on holiday", or "when i get off the lift i turn right for the loo?" you know we dont have cool words like that in the states. but i am having enough trouble speaking the last couple of days though i don't know if i could pull off such cool phrases. it is absolutely official, my "faking the southern accent" has caught up with me and i can no say "awesome" correctly and i use phrases like "fixin to" and "y'all" voluntarily. i'm going to need some help, please point them out when i say them guys...i don't wanna have a southern accent. i want my longuyland speak back. (the new cool kid word for loser is cheese nip -i decided on that, can you tell?). anyway enough about my speak impediment...

well lets see. i'm falling asleep. what can i write about. oh! i'm having a torrid love affair with my stereo, i missed it so much, its amazing how much size matters...(of speakers that is) heehee...oh geez bad joke sorry...
ok so i've even bored myself now, um...i'm probably gonna listen to like 3 more hours of music, and pass out b/c that seems to be what i do every night after work. i'll wake up, eat, shower and go off to work again. but tomorrow is friday, tomorrow is payday (which equals more music). i'm super excited. i'm saving all my energy for this weekend. my horoscope has predicted a naughty good time. oh the possiblity for me and my naughty partner in crime! it could be you!

im rich like a hot noise, rich rich rich, i'll take u out boy, so stuck up i wish u'd stick it to me

Tue, 18 May 2004 14:54:03 GMT

alrighty i told you i'd never be good with updating this thing...so what has happened since the last week of school? i can't remember

well there were a ton of finals which i must have done ok on b/c i passed all my classes and there was some serious partying going on. i miss my 4th floor wright girlies! anyway drove home in one day b/c i'm crazy (no one should spend 16 hours in the car straight) um yea oh and yes everything did fit in my car thank you very much i said it could be done...there were quite a few loose items however which let me tell you is strange b/c i'm still finding pillowcases and shoes randomly in my car...

being home is great, i enjoy it, missed the fam a lot and totally missed my best friends so glad they are here and we can chill. thanks to rufa for helping me unpack even though she complained i have too much clothes. had fun at the freezing beach and coldstone the other night, saw danielles new ginormous house which is freaking awesome even though its all the way out in the "ghetto" of merrick. oh and had fun with danielle driving through the creepy backroads to cold spring harbor at night (i hope that man enjoyed his clams). moving on summer should be good even though the past few days all i've done is look for a job, sleep and watch movies. and i got a call today from arthur that "coffee shop" guy and he wants me to come in now, even though i think that place is more a deli than a coffee shop but whatever its work and i am fucking broke...oh what is that radio? another concert jenna must go to? oh yes, oh shit i'm screwed...have a lovely day
Love,
DWA

"visions of mexico seduce me, it goes to my head so carefully..."

Thu, 06 May 2004 06:12:34 GMT

this school is absolute chaos...as we wind down to the last 6 days everyone is losing their minds, including myself. the belmont bubble (which some people still think is reality) is bascially freaking out.
i mean dead day what was that? with all the blow up shit on the soccer field, i felt like i was 5 again for like 2 seconds, but then came back to reality (where real people live) and i remembered all the shit i have to do. people are freaking out about finals and they are totally damaging themselves by not eating or sleeping. i mean geez give up they are just tests, thats how i see it.
this place is probably the weirdest on earth, like those gas "bombs" in the garage and bruin hills? what the fuck is up with that? i find it hilarious though b/c the kids got caught and they are facing up to 30 years in jail for it. i mean no one knows how to deal with tension here because they are all concerned with being absolutely nice and perfect. well i'm not perfect and i blew up today, like i'm serious full out her royal bitchness was alive and well. i was afraid i had lost the part of me b/c i haven't been able to yell in a while, but no don't worry people i'm still an asshole. oh and i'm aware i can get really mean, and i don't apologize for it b/c i'm sick of people being all afraid to say what they think. i said what i said b/c i was fucking pissed off. you would be too if you were in my position. so that was my day...oh except for did i mention there are 6 days left and i got an official write up tonight, not just my usual warning. a full out can i have your id you'll be needing to see the RD type write up. the rules here are fucking stupid. b/c RA's hafta study for finals there is no visitation, and b/c i happened to be next door when paul was there i got written up. oh well, i don't give a shit, i'm glad i got in trouble i think the rules are bullshit. any other school in the country would not have had a fucking blip on the radar screen for that.
now that i am done venting i'm gonna sleep, later... <3, dwa

"every word you say is like a bullet to my brain, let's go back to the start again..."

Sun, 02 May 2004 08:35:51 GMT

well now...its 3:15, my hair smells like an ashtray and all i hear is high pitched ringing in my ears. Tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks, as much as i want to go home, i'll be sad to leave here...i think this place has actually grown on me.

this weekend has been awesome, riverstages last night was wow...i mean live music on every street, it should be like that all the time. i hafta say disappointed in switchfoot and foo fighters (dave grohl looks old and fat), i was excited for foo and it was just sad. fuel was decent, hemorrage was the best song they did and i hafta say omg...wyclef jean amazing, he was so great his set was absolutely fun start to end and he is awesome, especially when he came through the crowd and climbed the scaffolding to praise the music city. however, didn't go to riverstages tonight b/c of the major trenchal rain, its ok though the only people i really wanted to see were g love and the special sauce. i'll just listen to the cd.

well, the alternative to riverstages was to go down to blue sky court with linz, head, cat, emilo, and dora and watch thorton, enoch's (from cafe coco) band. they were fucking ridiculous, it was so good, totally worth it. after that linz, head and i hit up micky d's and cafe coco's. mmmm...white satin....we looked so hot, no joke, we were getting hit on left and right, it was hysterical! some random guy even took our picture, i mean what the fuck????? and here is where me, heather and linzy got our other nicknames...i am naughty (don't ask), linzy is sexy rockstar and heather is striking...anyway we were there pretty late playing cards and shit but when we got back to the car we were pumped so we decided to go to silverado's (aka honkytonk)...so we did and it was free b/c we went so late which was awesome. that place is out of a movie i swear with the beer bottles on the dance floor, the bar fights between bubba's and the overall southern-ness, it cracks me up...i confess, i line-danced...again, yes i know its a sin but i had to b/c i look so ridiculous doing it
tomorrow night, bring on the strokes baby, its party time!

*some details excluded b/c its none of your business, or it was too disturbing to write about...

"please don't slow me down if i'm going too fast, you're in a strange part of our town"

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 17:20:05 GMT

well, 12 pm and four cups of coffee later i'm ready to take on today's problems...

the studio session fell through so now i hafta get an extention and worry about this paper some more...yes! thrilled! sarcastic!
oh and that two person apartment i'm supposed to be in is now a four person apartment...not thrilled at first but the girls are seniors so it could be cool who knows...
i'm ready for all the my issues now, i mean what is the purpose of worrying about them?, the more i seemed to think what else could go wrong, the more does...

two weeks from today i will have just woken up in my bed at home and that thought thrills the frick out me. neeners (ja9) told me to breathe last night and i wanna say thanks for that, i freaked a bit with my studio cancellation...and um, thats what i'm doing, taking my work in stride and totally looking foward to the 3 day riverstages concert this weekend with kt and meg!

oh! by the way, chocolate covered espresso beans are amazing! if you like coffee and ever get the opportunity to eat as many as possible i say go for it. the reaction your body has after about a 2 dozen is quite comical, trust me.

the hardest part about this world is living in it....

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 19:28:25 GMT

ok people i did it...i got a live journal, but as you know i can't keep anything updated so this will probably shortlived...

school is winding down and with 19 days left to go i'm STILL wondering what i am doing out here. what the fuck kind of "dream" am i pursing if it puts me alone, 900 miles from anyone i truly love...at times this is the on of the best places on earth and other times, its nothing more than a stupid southern state full of despair and lifestyles i don't understand. i'm sick of the salty taste my tears leave in my mouth.

i can't save everyone, please know this...i try, i really do but sometimes i gotta tread my own water. i'm sick of people thinking that they can just dump their issues on me when they explode. geez, keep me involved, let me know what's happening with you and THEN pour your heart out at 3 in the morning, i'll be much more sympathetic i promise. and i'd just like to say for those of you that are genuine and have poured your hearts out to me, i thank you, you are some of the most beautiful souls i have been blessed to meet.

the other day i found myself stressed into a state of catatonia...i just sat there on my bed listening to mars volta thinking how am i gonna get all my shit done? and it felt good. but then i let my mind think about people and whats going on in my life and i started to do work to prevent anymore thoughts from happening. i know you guys at home miss me, i miss you guys so much too...

i want everyone who reads this to know that as for as much sadness in this journal there is, there are tons of fun and amazing moments. my life has a great balance, but as my best friend once posted, you never see the bad days in a photo album...so i guess this might become my imaginary unexisting photo album of those bad days...its theraputic to write...